Friday, November 7, 2008

Friday Musings

I've been struggling a lot this week. With my faith, with the Prop 8 thing, with the neighbors and school kids and a few other issues ... like knowing the Church is true and what is right and unable to reconcile it with other beliefs and opinions I have as well.

I was praying tonight before and during work for some guidance because I'm hurting. I just don't know what's to come and I look at my 9-year-old and my 3-1/2-month-old and wonder what on earth is in store for them ... and I wonder how my 12-year-old is doing with all of this, living in California at the heart of the conflict, a baptized member of the Church but living with a nonmember mother in an anti-Mormon environment ... not having a great relationship with us mostly because of her and her mom's choices but also because of ours ... and I hurt. And if I can't get my heart and head and spirit to gel, my children are in danger because I can't teach them what's right if I'm messed up.

For some reason, I went to Youtube (after watching the funny video I posted earlier for the 10th time) and just started looking. This is the very first thing I found, and it holds all my answers. Not anything specific as far as the above issues, but President Eyring's words specifically hit me: I have been too casual in my worship, in my studies, and in my home.

I have to get back to it. I just do. Even if the baby screams the entire time we're there, even if I have a headache, even if my husband is too dead tired to go after working a 14-hour shift to provide for our family, even if my 9-year-old would sometimes rather play with her cousins than go to church ... Even if *I* am the one making sure we get there. Even if *I* am the one instigating family scripture study again. Even if *I* am the one doing FHE. Every day, week, night, whatever. I will do it. And we will be okay.

ETA: blast, that was the wrong video. lol. This is the right one.

and I don't know if my husband knows how much I'm struggling right now, but he has been really great the last few days especially ... he even cleaned the toilets. ;)

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