So, I decided at the beginning of the week that my five favorite web funnies sent to me or posted to me or whatever would be my five. But I only got 3 things this week at all. Good thing they were alllll postworthy!
1.
Google maps. Line 21 on this version.
2. Letter from the police:
Dear Civilian,
Your 5-year-old kid getting pushed down by another 5-year-old kid is NOT a
police matter; talk to the other kid's parents, not the police.
If your kid won't do his homework or do his chores, 911 is not the answer.
Maybe you should try something called parenting!
If a cop causes a car accident we usually get a ticket, and sometimes we
get suspended. When is the last time you got 3 days off (without pay) for
rear-ending a guy at Wal-Mart?
We know you've had more than two beers. When I've had two beers, I don't
hit six parked cars, drive my car through the front doors of a Toys-R-Us,
pee my pants or pass out at a traffic light.
When you see an emergency vehicle behind you with its lights and sirens on,
pull to the RIGHT, and stop. We are usually required to pass cars on the left.
When you're driving in the fast lane and you see a cop behind you, don't go
5 MPH under the speed limit. We are not impressed by how safe of a driver
you can be, we're trying to go help someone (or catch that guy in the SUV that
just cut you off). Safely move over and let us pass please.
If we park our cruiser across the road with lights flashing, don't ask if
the road is closed or if there is an accident, just take an alternate route
and DON'T DRIVE AROUND US!
If you get a warning instead of a ticket from a motorcycle cop, go buy a
lottery ticket because you've already beaten the odds.
When you see an officer conducting a traffic stop or with a suspect in
handcuffs, it is generally not a good idea to approach him and ask for
directions. If you do, don't expect the officer to be nice when he tells you
to get lost, and don't expect the officer to take the time to explain.
Here's how to get out of a ticket: Don't break the law.
If you drive a piece of crap, that is why you're getting pulled over.
In one week I pulled over 10 cars for minor traffic violations. 5 out of 10
had no vehicle insurance. 3 out of 10 had suspended driver's licenses. 2
out of 10 had warrants. 1 out of 10 had felony warrants. 1 was a known sex
offender with his 12 year old niece in the car without her mother's
knowledge.
If you've just been pulled over doing 70 in a 35, do not greet the officer
with, "What seems to be the problem, officer?"
We get lunch and coffee breaks too.
When you're the victim of a burglary, take the time you spend waiting for
the officer to find the model number and the serial number of the stuff that
was taken.
Some cops are just jerks, but take heart in the fact that other cops don't
like them either.
If it's night time and you're driving a vehicle with tinted windows and I
pull you over, it's not because of your skin color. I usually can't tell if
the vehicle even has a driver until the window is rolled down.
Every time you hear on the news about people running away from a crazed
gunman, someone's son or daughter in a police uniform is running TOWARD that
crazed gunman.
Yes, it's true; cops usually don't give other cops tickets. Think of it as
an employee discount, perk or benefit. Other cops are family and you
wouldn't give your brother a ticket if you were a cop either.
If your local police agency has a helicopter, everyone knows it's loud and
annoying, but did you know it can cover the same area as 20 patrol officers
and safely chase criminals that are driving 90 MPH through city streets.
Many times the guy has no idea it's there and slows down.
Police work is.... Writing reports.
If you rob a gas station you're only going to get about $100, but I get to
see a K9 dog use you as a chew toy. For all I care you can keep the $100.
In one year of patrol work in a large city, only about ten minutes would be
cool enough to be on the television show "Cops".
Every traffic stop could end in gunfire, but we have to be polite and
professional until that time .
I've taken about the same amount of men and women to jail for domestic
violence, so NO, it's not always the man.
If the light was yellow, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
Cops know you pay taxes and that your taxes pay cops' salaries.
Cops also pay taxes, which also pay cops' salaries so, hey; this traffic
stop is on me. Now sign here; press hard. There are several copies.
Police Officers... Our job is to protect your [butt], not kiss it!
Thank You,
The Police
3. The curtain rods.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!
********************
Now that I've made you all pee your pants, you can thank CC and my co-workers for the need for clean underwear.
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