Saturday, March 27, 2010

I have a fantasy

That some day, I'll be able to sleep as long as I want/need without anyone waking me up for any reason.

No boogers to clean. No food to make. No butts to wipe. No messes to tackle. No required hugs or snuggles or anything. No toddler kicking me in his sleep. Nobody waking me up to show me the cool rock they found at the park. No bouncy balls smacking me in the face or chest while I rest. No preteen emotion storms of angst or slamming cupboard doors while she does her chores. No alarm clock telling me it's time to get up to get Kiddo to school or myself to work. No baby punching my bladder while I'm sleeping, to the point I'm wake up about to wet my pants.

Just sleep. Blessed, peaceful, deep sleep.

I fantasized about this for about an hour this morning. Then I realized something.

That day that will surely come as my children grow up, but I will miss those things! Maybe not the boogers or messy pants, but I'll miss Little Mister coming to lift my eyelids to check if I'm really asleep or just pretending. I'll miss his warm little body curled up next to mine. The total trust in his face as he pats me on the cheek or runs up for a hug and a kiss. The words he says that mean, "I love you," but sound nothing like it, but when I say, "I love you too," he gets a huge grin and nods as if I understood him perfectly.

I know there will come a time when we're done having babies that I'll still miss feeling them move inside me. I'll miss that sweet newborn smell and the special nursing time you only get when they're little.

There will probably even be a day when I miss the prepubertal whine fests, as Kiddo becomes a full-fledged teen and I won't be able to do anything right. And even if she's not that bad as a teenager, she'll still grow up and move away, and I'll miss her coming in to tell me every single thing about her day, or waking me up to ask me to pray with her because she had another nightmare.

So for now, I'm trying to fix my attitude and enjoy the moment we're in instead of wishing myself out of it. After all, they don't stay little very long, and if you don't enjoy it while you're in it, you are missing out on something amazing.


SRA said...


treen said...

RE: the sleeping

I haven't had a decent night's sleep in at least a month - not only do I have the kid inside my belly kicking me, but I have two kids outside my belly who will NOT get out of my bed!

BUT! I'm going to Time Out for Women in Memphis in a couple of weeks - it's about 4 hours away so my group is getting hotel rooms. I'm sure the speakers will be great and it will be spiritually uplifting and all. But what I'm looking forward to the most is sleeping. For an entire night. With Nobody. Touching. Me.

It's only one night, and then I'm sure I'll be back to what we've been going through anyway. But wow, I'm sure going to appreciate that one night!

NG said...

That's one far-fetched fantasy.

Wonder Woman said...

This seems like the eternal plight of motherhood. Longing for time to pass, realizing it will (or has) and trying to savor what's left.

Tyson and Katie said...

You're awesome. It feels like yesterday that I was the same age as kiddo and my mom was the world to me. I agree. Treasure this time. It won't last long.

musicmom said...

Esther--what a beautiful post, and good reminder to me to enjoy the journey, because someday, I do think we will miss it. But I hope in the meantime, you get a good nap or two scheduled in their somewhere!