Monday, July 28, 2008

So ... I may be heartless or something.

My gramma just died. Thankfully. She's been unable to speak for 2-3 years and unable to move or do anything for herself for the last year or so. She's had aspiration pneumonia a couple times in the last few weeks. Gramps died about 5 years ago, so they're back together again, which is all she's wanted since then anyway. So we're glad she's gone.

The heartless part is that I cried and cried when Gramps died. I'd taken Munchkin to visit *him* every week after they moved to Utah 3 or 4 months before he passed. Grams ... She thought we were going to visit *her* because Gramps had Alzheimer's and didn't remember me, but no. She was never all that good to me, and even though I've long since forgiven her for the horrible things she'd said to me, I never wanted to develop a warm and fuzzy relationship with her.

I do remember well the last two conversations we had. Next to last, the only thing she said to me was, "When are you going to find that little girl a daddy?" Yeah, I'd been looking and failed repeatedly. Thanks so much; why don't you just give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice in it? Gah. (My cousins said I should've just been grateful she'd said anything to me -- she never spoke to them). The last thing she said to me was, "My Sunshine." That's what Gramps always called me. She could barely speak at all by that point. That was the night I took my sweet husband (then fiance) to a family party to visit, and she just cried and held onto my hand and looked at my sweetie and my kiddo and cried some more. That was two years and a few weeks ago ... I think it was just before my surgery, actually. Didn't mind that so much, but later I found out that later that night, the woman got up the energy somehow to shriek at my mother. Hello. I realize she wasn't in the best frame of mind, but she never really treated my mother well, and I am very close to my mother, so that just irked me. Mom, fortunately, decided then and there to never put herself in the position where Grams could do that to her again, for which I'm grateful. No need to put yourself out there for hateful people, y'know?

Well, about two or three months ago, Kiddo asked if we could go see Grams so she could say goodbye. The family has been fasting and praying for her to be at peace for a long time, and Kiddo knows that means we wanted her to die. Sounds horrible, but really, what kind of existence did she have? Well. We went to see her, told her about the baby, hugged her and what not, and left. It was really hard to go there and see anyone suffering like that, even someone I didn't feel close to.

So yeah. I'm not terribly upset for the above reasons. I'm sure I'll cry at some point ... but now I'm just relieved and grateful I don't have to feel guilt for not visiting her anymore. lol.

1 comment:

steph k said...

not heartless. as long as you know how to forgive. :)