Thursday, June 25, 2009

I'm still a dork

Had a weird experience tonight, so I thought I'd share.

I know this will come as a shocker to all of you, but I was a huge geek/dork/dweeb/nerd in junior high and high school. I still am, but I'm okay with my dorkiness these days.

Earlier tonight, I was looking at the facebook page of a gal I knew in high school. She was more popular than I was, but we were friendly and sang in chamber choir together our senior year. Chamber was audition only and only 28 voices were chosen every year and we spent a *lot* of time together at retreats and singing val-o-grams or whatever they were called. So we got to know each other rather well.

[If you knew me then and know any of the people I'm talking about, please don't use real names in comments or on your own blogs. And if you don't, rest assured, I'm not telling. :P]

So I was looking through her friends list, just checking to see if she had any of my other friends on there (I tell ya, I have ADD...). And I saw a guy on her list. One I *never* had a crush on but he scarred me for life. Not him, per se, but an incident that happened involving me and him way back in junior high.

See, this guy was CUTE. So cute. Like, ultra cute. (he still is, btw, if his thumbnail does him any justice). I *think* we were in band together in junior high, but I could be remembering wrong. Anyway. I knew he was out of my league and didn't want anything to do with me, and I was okay with that. I didn't want anything to do with him, either, but I could appreciate how fine he was. Following me?

Okay. So I went to school one day, and everyone was talking about me and whispering about me ... pointing at me ... I was clueless. I didn't know what was going on for quite a while until someone told me and showed me. Someone had written in black magic marker on the guy's bright orange locker that I was in love with him. His locker was down a hall where I never went, so I honestly had no clue until they took me over there and showed me.

Color me mortified. I was horrified and wanted the earth to swallow me. Obviously, whoever wrote that thought it would be mortifying for that guy to think I liked him -- I was the fat nerdy girl with glasses. y'know? [I wasn't even that fat, just not a twig or barbie clone like the guys around here tend to prefer]. Anyway. His friends bugged me about it, but I could tell he was just as embarrassed as I was, but whether that was because someone targeted both of us or just me, I still don't know. And to this day, I don't know who wrote it on his locker or what the motivation was or if it was someone who really did like him or what. [Now I'm wondering if it was that girl ... hehe].

This all happened like TWENTY YEARS AGO. And just happening across his picture and name brought back that rush of sadness and embarrassment, that feeling of being the powerless, helpless, hapless kid I was that day.

I'm fine with being a semi-funny, semi-crunchy, often crafty, mostly functional, happily married mom of two at home and another far away, who types medical reports when she can concentrate after the kids are in bed, with a strong testimony of the gospel and my importance to my Heavenly Father. And that's all that should matter.

For a brief second, though, that made me feel so small as a person. What on earth gives those early experiences the power to reduce someone emotionally, even for a second, who is really okay with who she is?

I don't know, but I'm back to myself now. Sipping water, typing reports, going to shower in a bit then check on the baby, and off to my lovely bed in my tidier little house, waiting for my handsome husband to get home from work so I can have a hug, and maybe even a minute or two of alone time to talk before the kids get up and I have to play mean mom again so Kiddo will finish sorting through her clothes.

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