How true it is ... ack.

From the forum at work today:

AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE.- - - -

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants.

Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you f**king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bulls**t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

I've been up for 12-1/2 hours. It's not quite 5 p.m. yet.

But, it was a good work day -- managed to work 10 hours, got about 12 hours of work done (that's 12 hours of my average lately). MUCH better than last week. Should I be able to maintain the pace the rest of the week, not only will I get to go play Friday night and have tacos, I will also have a full weekend off -- and make up for my crappy last week so my paycheck won't totally ralph.

Kidlet was even home from school all day -- and she let me work. We also had breakfast and lunch and changed the dishwasher and went for a walk AND I had a shower! Amazing what a little motivation will do for you.

Yeah. Gonna go make dinner, cuddle kidlet and hubby for a bit, and then pass out probably since I also got my monthly visitor this morning and am starting to have cramps ... woooo.

Friday Fave Five!

This week we have a theme.

1. Electric heating pads and microwaveable rice packs or hot water bottles. Helps with cramps.

2. Fun-flavor chocolate chips. Nestle came out with caramel, peanut butter, mint, etc., swirled chocolate chips. Because hubby works for Nestle at the Stouffer's plant, he gets them for a steal.

3. Plain old walmart pretzels. Salt. Sugar. Salt. Sugar. Hush.

4. Midol. Not extra-strength though. That stuff is crap -- it is *only* naproxen sodium (Aleve), and does not contain the caffeine and diuretic regular Midol has. GRRR.

5. Playtex tampons, regular size, no deodorant.

If I could make a "PMS survival kit," it would include the above (only, the chocolate could be M&Ms or Dove bars or something and the pretzels could be anything salty -- nuts, chips, etc.), a box of tissues, bubble bath, a bottle of spring water, and a hug from a hawt man. Oh, and there would be two versions: One with angry girl music and Kill Bill, and another with mellow music and Alex&Emma (or something similar).