SOB FEST

Geeze -- i'm an emotional boob today, cried on DH for a while. he's doing okay, but I've been really stressed because he didn't start his pills today and he NEEDS them. He thought I was mad he was losing weight and I told him no, that I'm glad he wants to get healthier again. *sigh* Got a whole bunch off my chest. Then hung out with Kidlet. She started crying, asked what was wrong ... she's worried she won't get alone time with mommy after the baby comes because I'm always working now and will have to give all the attention to the baby. I told her I would try and be better about making sure I spend more time with her, too, and that she can always tell me when she's feeling lonely. THEN she says, "But I won't want to take time away from the baby!" Sweet kid, she just stresses a lot. Gosh, she might be related to me. I think she's feeling better -- talked about how she's been my buddy for 9 years now, since I started feeling her wiggling inside me, and that I'd be lost without her. She started crying and said, "That's good to hear. You're very close to me." She's very close to me, too.

I know having this baby is the right thing and we will have lots of blessings, not just the baby itself, but our love as a family will grow, and we'll be closer. But when she's so upset, even though she's wanted a sibling since she was TWO, I start doubting a bit. She's been an only child her whole life and the last two years have had huge changes for her -- my heart surgery, getting a daddy and a sister, losing the sister, having a visit with the sister and realizing she doesn't like her so much (she loves her, they just had a hard time over the summer), then daddy having a hard time with his meds ...

I just wonder if I'm doing a good job as her mom since she's so stressed out that I won't love her as much or make time for her when the baby comes. *sob* She's my baby!! How can I NOT love her? I'll even love her when she's a teenager and gives me more gray hair!!! She's a good girl and I know we'll all be okay, but in some ways, this seems harder on her than when she thought I was going to DIE because of my heart: I'll still be here and she's worried I won't love her. At least if I had died, she'd always have known I loved her. *sigh* I have to be more conscientious about where I'm spending my time now -- work when I'm supposed to be working so I can earn the money we need right now, play when I'm supposed to be playing, sleep when I'm supposed to be sleeping, and make sure I'm taking care of her and hubby and the baby.