I haven't written a poem in years. Apparently ... loving my husband has me thinking and writing again. I was lying there in bed next to him (he was sound asleep) and the words just kept running in circles the other night until I had to get up and type them out. Only then could I fall asleep. Well, first I took the calendar he'd asked me to buy for him, and wrote our "firsts" in red ink with hearts all over the thing. Then I fell asleep.

Yes, I gave him the poem. No, he still hasn't said anything about it. But he was pretty lovey dovey all day, he did clean the kitchen and put laundry away, he did get off the computer when I asked last night, we did have dinner as a family, and he did cuddle me for a while on the recliner (which was only built for one, not two) before his arms fell asleep.

Nope, he's not perfect. But he's mine. He was brave and took alllllllll the risks in our dating relationship. He held my hand first, he kissed me first, he said I love you first, he proposed (first? I never have propositioned him ... hm ...), he gave me poetry first.

I am a chicken.

An old friend emailed me last night about a former friend of mine. Got me thinking about why I was such a chicken with my sweetie. I've made first moves before, but refused to even try with him.

I expected him to disappear. Up until the day we went to the temple, I expected him to bail. Even after he stuck through the surgery and the ICU and me puking all over everyone (morphine -- I'm allergic, apparently), I still half expected him to disappear.

I'm glad he didn't.

My husband sure loves me.

He hates cameras. Even during our engagement photos, he was trying to escape from the camera. The wedding, he did better, but I think the promise of some nookie had him holding still for them. and the making out on camera helped, too.

Since then, he's lost a bunch of weight, but still hates posing, maybe even more so.

So, imagine my surprise Christmas morning when his present for me was a digital camera. He knew how much I wanted it and bought it even though he never wants to be in a shot.

What a sweetie.

Makes my gifts of the "Book of Mormon" on CD and miscellaneous stocking stuffers pale in comparison ... Then again, I did also purchase him a new wedding band, which was more inexpensive than his original one, but did count as part of his Christmas. It showed up today. He's wearing it. Hope he doesn't lose it. lol.

I've been tagged!

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot Chocolate. Unless the egg nog is nonalcoholic and has been "watered down" with Sprite or 7-up. Even then, I can only drink a few sips.
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? At our house, he has done both ... this year, he will be doing both. Wrapped for the grownups and unwrapped for the kidlet.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Yes. Pre-lit tree is colors, house has white. The other tree would be white if I'd put it up and strung lights, but didn't this year.
4. Do you hang mistletoe? No. It is poison.
5. When do you put your decorations up? The first Sunday in Dec. this year (every other year it was the day after Thanksgiving, but uh, hubby thought that was too soon).
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Sweet potato casserole? Honey-baked ham? Hashbrown casserole? I.e., anything FATTENING.
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? Sleeping under the piano with my brother, and/or looking at the Christmas tree lights with my glasses off (they're all blurry that way).
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? A friend told me. I was around 8. I was mad.
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Usually.
10 How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? I have a few glass balls for filler, but mostly a hodge podge of ornaments from Christmas trees past, vacations etc., plus the girls in our family usually get a new ornament every Christmas and those are all on there.
11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Blech.
12. Can you ice skate? Yes, and would go with the whole family if hubby didn't hate snow more than I do.
13. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Family time and the true reason for Christmas (NOT santa, the other One, the Savior).
14. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Anything I've made or cookies H sent. lol
15. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Reading the Christmas story out of the Bible on Christmas Eve with the kids, then reading a storybook about a Russian woman called Babushka who had a chance to see the Christ child but didn't, and then spent the rest of her life searching for Him, giving presents to children she found in case it was Him. Then everyone gets a gift (little ones -- like from the dollar store -- something the kids can play with that night and break before they get their real toys the next day, and semi-gag gifts for the grownups).
16. Which do you prefer giving or receiving? Yes.
17. What are favorite Christmas Songs? Mary's Lullaby, White Christmas, Let it Snow, The First Noel, Breath of Heaven, The Holly and the Ivy, O Little Town of Bethlehem, etc. etc. etc. I LOVE Christmas music and usually start listening in November, but out of respect for hubby, I chose not to this year.

If you've read this, consider yourself tagged!

After an hour of crying and three or four hours of being mad at the world, I took my herbs this morning. Hubby held me. We talked. A couple hours later, all is right with the world again. Life is good. I am one happy girl right now. hehehee.

I love my husband. And my herbs.

*plug*

Herbs. Wonderful things. MindTrac is an herbal antidepressant with St. John's Wort and Valerian Root to help chill you out. It has some other things in it, too. I've used it off and on for probably 10-12 years, and only have to take it when I need it. It's made by Dr. Christopher's and you can find it for cheap at www.herbsfirst.com. It doesn't work for everyone, and will just take the edge off the most severe cases of depression. But hubby took two pills Sunday during a bipolar crash and 30 minutes later, he was almost normal again. Unheard of for him. He does not take other medications for his bipolar disorder. Do not mix it with pharmaceutical antidepressants.

/plug

I got a book from a dead man's wife this week.

When I lived in Oregon, the 'rents ordered a lot of Schwan's food from our Schwan's guy, Allen Stephens. We got to know each other pretty well, and then his wife, Sheila, became my writing coach. I love them both a lot and miss Sheila's sweet smiles and encouragement, and Allen's joyful nature. He was a sweetie. I bet he still is, actually.

A couple years ago (after I'd moved back to Utah), he was delivering some stuff at work and got hit by a truck and killed. My parents were out of town, so none of us found out until after the funeral. I emailed Sheila to express my sympathy and condolences, and she actually lifted my spirits. She's a neat lady.

Anyway. Before he died, he'd completed a manuscript for a western novel. His wife got it published after his death. I'd meant to buy a copy of it, if just to support Sheila, but lost the order form she'd sent me. So, for our wedding/Christmas present from her and their two grown sons, she sent me the book.

I cried when I opened it.

Hubby hates it when I cry.

I'd already told my sweet husband about this wonderful man and his loving wife and how special they are to me, and so even though I was crying when I was reading his book today, I just said, "It's good tears, I'm okay, I'm in a good mood, everything is fine." He was relieved.

They're not members of our faith, but they are Christian and they believe they'll be together again after this life. Hubby asked if I had planned to send them any Church videos or anything for Christmas. No, but good idea. I'm off to the distribution center and the post office tomorrow.

So, Allen and Sheila, while I enjoy your book, I'm going to tell everyone I know to buy it. I think you can order it at their website, www.flowersofthespirit.com. If there's not a link to order it there, I know there's a phone number to call. It's $16.95 plus shipping. Buy it! Read it!

Sweetness just came home from measuring and weighing in ... Well. I'm totally disgusted. hehehe. He went from 251 pounds to 202 pounds, 31% body fat to 14.8% body fat. His 36-waist jeans are too big now. However. Because one of the teammates got sick and lost 10 pounds of muscle in one week, and the other part of the contest is to see how much muscle they packed on, they decided to push for one more day. Why? To try to sweat off as much water weight/fat as they can. A trainer at the gym told them to drink 3 gallons of distilled water then spend an hour in the sauna, to "fudge" their numbers a bit -- supposedly, this will make them lose 3% of that weight and make it look like they've gained more muscle than they have.

Okay, this doesn't seem the safest thing to me, and hubby knew I'd feel that way, so before he told me any of that, he started off with, "I'm sorry." I asked, "Did you wreck the car?" He shook his head. So, my mind is racing with possibilities for a few minutes until he can explain the above.

Honestly, there's no need to apologize. Y'know, unless he kills or maims himself with water intoxication, which does happen.

He was going to say, "Bag it, I'm done," but the team captain is the one who really needs the money. They've been strapped financially for a long time, but they just had a baby who was only 10 days early, but her lungs aren't developed and she's in the NICU.

So, we go through the crazy diet and weird water theory for one more day. I can handle that. I hope.

Proof positive (or is that negative?): I'm not pregnant.

I just started my monthly. I have mixed emotions about this because once I thought about it, I started getting used to it and maybe a little bit excited. But hey, at least my husband can stop worrying about it. This month. hahahaha.

Now we just need to figure out why I've been so sick and tired. *sigh*

Day 28. Still no period. Still somewhat nauseated. Still having some mild cramps. This is getting old.

Sweetness tried to take today off but was unsuccessful. He does have tomorrow morning off for weighing in with the competition, so we'll see how that goes and take a test (unless I start soon), and maybe get a few cuddles in. lol.

Hyz and her munchkin (Penter, which is how our munchkin used to say his name) came over last night for the kids to exchange gifts. We gave Penter Lego cars and he gave Munchkin a bead set to make jewelry. Guess what? we now have over 10,000 beads in our carpet! Just kidding. We did make a necklace last night and it's quite cute. She's going to wear it to school today. Penter had a birthday party Saturday, which was fun, too. Hyz's mom made this awesome cake -- pirate party, gotta have islands and oceans and fishes and seashells and buried treasure, right? It was way cool. The party was fun, the kidlets enjoyed seeing each other, and Penter got presents, so it's all good. lol.

My aunt actually called last night to ask us to a family Christmas party tomorrow night -- we don't usually get even one day's notice, so I'm totally impressed. I'll call my sibs today and see if they've been notified about it and invited and stuff. Hubby actually wants to go since (drum roll) the competition will be over in the morning and he'll actually get to EAT FOOD!!! WAHOO! lol. It's been a rough 12 weeks, but I sure love that guy. And if eating real food more often will help him be more stable and bring my sweetie back to more normal, then I'm all for it. lol.

Aight. Munchkin and neighbor's kids need to get to the bus stop, so I gotta get her fed and me dressed and out the door. Life is good.

So, I'm still nauseated, still having cramps. Hubby asked me to wait until Friday and take another test then *if* I haven't started yet. This is oh, so much fun. But I'll wait because ... he's having a rough time right now and the possibility of pregnancy is freaking him out so much more. At least he's now talking like medication isn't evil and he might consider taking it -- and HE brought it up. So, I just have to be patient I suppose and hope we can find something that works and not something that makes him go, "Huh. One pill made me feel better. Wonder what the whole bottle will do." Yes, he ended up in the hospital over that one.

So, here's the rest of the ice scraper and rope joke. Merry Christmas! lol

Tips for gift-buying for the men on your Christmas list:

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17, and he has yet tocomplain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No oneknows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything withthe word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you throughwith my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer, or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy menbathrobes. If men really wanted to wear bathrobes, they wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave ordeodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #7: Buy men label makers. They are almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks, there will be labels absolutelyeverywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day, and he will always have parts leftover.

Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northern Tool, Lowes, Home Depot, John Deere, Harbor Freight, and NTB. NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook--but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11: Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts."Everyone knows why.

Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why-please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Cycle day 26.

Still nauseated.

Now having cramps AND nausea.

Still no period.



There's yer update.



Okay, seriously, took Munchkin back to the dentist this morning to get the "band-aid" taken out of her mouth from her frenectomy a couple of weeks ago. Then went shopping with SIL for Babushka* presents. Tired, nauseated, want to go to bed now but have to work. Yup, must work to pay the bills, since I spent the bill money on Christmas because we need to get my step-daughter's box in the mail ASAP. Oy. I've done that a time or two before -- spent Munchkin's school clothes money on ME, then had to work overtime to fix it. Yeah, I'm selfish. *sigh* Anyway. That's where we are. Still sick. Done Christmas shopping (except I need rope and an ice scraper apparently**). And now trying to work OT around the nausea to pay the bills.

The good news is that I still adore my husband and he still lurves me and we're gooey and happy and I miss him and wish he was home from work. Now. lol.


*Babushka: There is a Christmas story about a Russian woman who has the chance to go with the Wise Men to see the Christ child but doesn't, then spends the rest of her life looking for him. Yeah, 'cuz the Wise Men took a European tour on their way to Bethlehem, right? Anyway, it's a tradition I got from my former roomie to read the story (the book is out of print now but I found a copy on Amazon) and give small presents/toys on Christmas Eve to everyone at your house, as if they were from Babushka. I usually hit the dollar store and get gag gifts for the adults and something the kids will enjoy. Sometimes the gifts for the adults aren't gags, but still. They're from the dollar store. This has been my thing that I do every year during our family Christmas party, but I totally spaced it this year until I talked to SIL yesterday and she asked. So she went shopping with me. THANK HEAVEN.

**Watch for the rest of this joke later.

"Is that a + or just a - ?"

Okay, if you haven't bought any pregnancy tests lately (or ever), that is how I spent Thursday. Peeing in a cup, putting a plastic stick into that cup, and waiting for results.

Wednesday, my husband woke up to me being nauseated for the 5th morning in a row and asked me flat out if I was pregnant. The short answer is, "I don't know." The long answer is more complicated.

The crazy thing is that my husband has never been married and his daughter ... well, he wasn't around during the pregnancy, birth, or first 6 years of her life because her mother didn't tell him she was pregnant. Well, okay, she did but said it wasn't his, then disappeared. So, after he repented and served a full-time mission for our church, he came home to a paternity suit and $20K back child support. Because he didn't know about her, the court (and the church) actually sided with him and exonerated all the back child support. The mother has 3 children from different fathers and pulled the same stunt with the third one, only didn't wait 6 years, just one. So, hubby has never been around a pregnant woman really besides his mother, and his youngest sister is only 8 years younger than he is. Very observant. More than a little scary.

I'm not late. Yet. I started out just being nauseated in the morning, then the morning and night, and now it's all damn day. Today is day #7, I think, of complete and total nausea. And fatigue. I'm sleeping more. My husband then spent Wednesday silently freaking out and sleeping most of the day. He's better now. I then spent Thursday silently freaking out, alternately trying to work and trying to convince myself I'm not pregnant and that I'm fine. Which is why I took the (negative) pregnancy test, knowing full well it wasn't an early detection test and that it is still too early to tell if I'm pregnant or not. My garbage can looks suspicious: Full of empty ginger ale cans, saltine packages, and mint wrappers. I've been living on them for a week.

With Munchkin, I was (obviously) married to someone else. I was nauseated from the second she was conceived, which most doctors will tell you is impossible. Liars. My sister, G, gets sick that early, too. Fortunately, my OB then gave me Phenergan, which is a miracle drug for me and keeps me from being nauseated and/or throwing up. For now, I'm sucking on mints and nibbling ginger snaps after I eat anything, and I kind of have to force myself to eat 'cuz everything makes me nauseated. Smells of things makes me nauseated. Ugh.

So, I'm not taking another test until hubby is done with his body building competition next weekend, which was the original plan until he asked me if I was pregnant. Yeah. I dunno. I don't know if I'm pregnant. At this point, I both do and don't want to be. And if I am, I'm going to demand my midwife give me Phenergan so I can be a happy pregnant person.

And if I'm not, next time I tell hubby I'm ovulating, he better darn well listen.